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Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:54 am
Here I will post the updates to my story and I would like you all to add in suggestions that you think might help it.

Update-

"You! The disease has spread even into the clean depths of space!" What disease? the Commander persists. "I think," says Lt. Vulcan quetly, "They mean us, Commander." The voice rages on, furious now. The infection must be wiped out. Kirk doesn't take kindly to the idea of being wiped out. Battle stations are sounded and Kirk orders Sulu to fire the photon torpedoes. This is done, and we see the massive firepower of the Enterprise leap across to the surface of the colossal spacecraft. But the energy merely dissipates along the substance of the Wan craft without harming it, though the Enterprise is rocked by the power and the proximity of the explosions. Attack having failed, Kirk orders the Enterprise to retreat at maximum speed. But though the Enterprise strains and Scotty does his best, the ship fails to move ... pinned by energy fields to the silver ship. Finally Kirk has to concede their helplessness and ordered Scott to shut down lest they overload and destroy themselves before exhausting any last hope. There is a strange silence, more nerve-wracking than the futile fight and attempt to flee.Commander is puzzled. Something's wrong here. Clearly the Wan can destroy them whenever they wish, yet they're not doing so. The reason is evident now to Kirk. The Wan only want to kill off the infection ... meaning the crew ... which implies they want the Enterprise intact, no doubt as a valuable prize ship which could tell them much about the Federation and its capabilities. Toomuch. Kirk tells Scotty to let the engines race to override as soon as he gives the order, to prevent the Enterprise and the information it contains from falling into the Wan hands. He then tells the Wan ship what's been readied. If the Enterpriseisn't set free, Kirk will order it destroyed, perhaps creating a powerful enough explosion to destroy or damage the Wan ship itself.


And please add in your suggestion.
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Mr.Borg
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:33 am
Suggestion:

First off, why is the text blue? It's so hard to read!

And Lt. Vulcan??


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Skembri
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 8:20 am
haha blue, haha Lt. human

urm well the story is good, but the way its written with all those full stops and stuff and very young language at time, makes it a small bit annoyig to read and seam partially amatuer


perhaps more detail and less random full stops


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Mr.Borg
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 8:46 am
Skembri wrote:haha blue, haha Lt. human

urm well the story is good, but the way its written with all those full stops and stuff and very young language at time, makes it a small bit annoyig to read and seam partially amatuer


perhaps more detail and less random full stops

Second that. The storyline has potential, but it's a bit amateeurish


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Genix Warrior
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:07 pm
Answere:The wrighting is blue as that is my favourite colour and It's only in the making stages and after I complete it I will look over it and correct it., And never mind that full stops what do you think of the storyline.
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ToaKaita47
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:11 pm
Not bad Smile
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Skembri
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:21 pm
yer like i sed the story is a good story, i dont no enough about startrek to say otherwise, but ur use of language and punctuation could be improved, if the words dont come to u maybe u shud use a thesarus


"Though a million endings, you will only ever have one journey"

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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:50 pm
Lt' Vulcan Take us to Vulcan

Aye Captain Galaxy

Commander Andorian, what the satus of the Weapons

aok Captain

Commander Starfleet engage War Drive.

Aya Aye sir.



lol, I haven't read it but got bored and decided to continue from MB's lt Vulcan.
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Skembri
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:06 pm
hahaha u forgot mrs universe


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Caboose
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:08 pm
Why would you need the sexist person in the universe, on your ship 1000s of light years away from earth.... oh wait yeah now i remember.
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Skembri
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:12 pm
haha "feeling a bit homessick captain" she ses sexily winking and licking the top of her lip, with her seductivly moist tongue, "what your wife doesnt know, cant hurt her" haahahahahaha


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Caboose
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:40 pm
Lol, yeah that's pretty much what i meant.
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Genix Warrior
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Tue Aug 31, 2010 11:42 pm
I'll say again, Any other suggestions?
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Mr.Borg
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Wed Sep 01, 2010 1:44 am
no. It was good.


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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Wed Sep 01, 2010 6:54 pm
Vedic wrote:Lt Vulcan Take us to Vulcan

Aye Captain Galaxy

Commander Andorian, what the satus of the Weapons

a.o.k Captain

Commander Starfleet engage War Drive.

Aya Aye sir.

I'll be in your ready room Captain Galaxy, Ms. universe said

Captain galaxy face started to go pink.

Fixed
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Skembri
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:29 pm
hahahaha he started getting a bit hot under the coller and blushing


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Caboose
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Thu Sep 02, 2010 12:05 am
Ok Gorn is probably to young to know whats happening(or not), so maybe we should stop.
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Thu Sep 02, 2010 12:23 am
on the other hand maybe he likes we dont really know what his/her deal is


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Mr.Borg
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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Thu Sep 02, 2010 1:14 am
Either way let's leave this..


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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Thu Sep 02, 2010 8:23 am
haha yeer Very Happy

so lock?


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Re: Star Trek Phase II [Suggestions/Updates]

on Thu Sep 02, 2010 9:03 am
locked


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