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Caboose
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Somethink new

on Fri Aug 13, 2010 9:43 pm
A man with a cloak over his body walking down the great halls of the Sith, leaving destruction in his path even thou he is just walking. He walks up to the doors that lead to the throne room, he waves his hands and the doors fall of their hinges, several figures walk up to him, with a woman in a dim hit throne watches. The figures remove their cloaks, and light there light sabres, there were as many of them as Lightsaber forms and types of Lightsaber, there light sabres lit the whole room up.

He lefts up his hands to reveal a terribly deformed red skin tone, no think seems to be happening for what seems to be years. As they all turn to Stone, they are forgotten, and time take hers turn as most of the ‘statues’, become degraded and cracks form till they finally crumble. The Woman on the throne and the cloaked figure stay in perfect shape, as the rest are killed.

After thousands of years, the planet becomes nothing more than a massive piece of rock that has an deadly atmosphere. All that remain is the Throne room and it ‘guests’ every think else has turned to dust. The planet is forgotten, as war after war take place in the galaxy, the planet becomes even more twisted with the dark side.

After 10,000 years of slumber, they are awakened, as the Start to revert to their forming self, the sun shines on the what remain of the palace, the Cloaked figure looks up into the Sun, he blinks and it is gone, the planet is left in an ever lasting darkness.

He turns back round using the force as a light to see the woman gone no longer in her throne, he looks desperately for her, but to no avail. She is gone. He blinks again and brings the sun back, and she reappears right in front of him.

He then draws his Lightsaber, and impales her, her body falls to his feet were her body just falls into dust and blows away with the wind. A smile appears on what is visible of his face and he blinks and appears on a busy street, as people of all races rush by, push him. He unleashes his anger as it is consumed by the dark side. Even drawing in the stations and ships, which were on the other side of the System. ...



Tell me what you think.
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Skembri
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:00 pm
pretty good, besides the grammatical errors, such as u sed some think as a pose to somthing, but yer, plu sin my opinion its a bit to sharp at places, like u cud add more description and feeling

for instance...

as he walked down the halway of the ancient sith, with only a cloak denying the view of his face, you could feel the air turn to darkness and the walls to stone. infront lays the great wooden doors between him and his destiny, a quick lash of his hand and the hinges are torn, deformed, and the doors shatterd acros the floor before him. Hushed voices plaged the room and several figures aproaced him enearthing their lightsabers, ready to destroy the evil laying before them. More and more lightsabers, of every kind and colour rise, until only one person remained in the room without one, she was dark, old and a very strong sence of fear could be felt around her and her dark throne.

like just a replacement for the first paragraph, admitidly its not amazing but i mean its more detailed and graphic


"Though a million endings, you will only ever have one journey"

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Caboose
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:13 pm
Nice, you mind if I use that?

I wrote this after being up for 18 hours , i write good plots then, but grammar and detail aren't so good, so i wait till i get up wait a few hours, remember then add detail ect. then get some one to read over, who isn't me. correct any mistakes, get something to eat. then post it.

but i forgot to do that.
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Skembri
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:15 pm
haha er i dont mind if u use it, ill do the same for the rest of it if u want i mean its ur story and everything all im doing is rephrasing it


"Though a million endings, you will only ever have one journey"

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Caboose
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:21 pm
knock your self out, and it's several thousands yea sin the future i don't think they use wooden doors any more.
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Skembri
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:22 pm
yet ur not there to know for sure Smile

im wiritng somthing atm but yer i will ewrite it about an hour when ive finished writing this


"Though a million endings, you will only ever have one journey"

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Caboose
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:24 pm
kk, you really should do Roleplay you know. you'd be awesome at it. i don't mean like joining one of V's many sites i mean a proper site.
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Skembri
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:35 pm
haha yer probably but its a matter of getting people to join Smile


"Though a million endings, you will only ever have one journey"

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Caboose
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:49 pm
well you could join a site with over 14k members(i have a link). plus i know some one who's currently making a Stargate RP.
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Skembri
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 11:12 pm
14k member bloody hell, and the stargate rp had best be decent


"Though a million endings, you will only ever have one journey"

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Caboose
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 11:14 pm
http://roleplayerguild.com
Awesome site. i have the same username
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Skembri
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 11:16 pm
sweet thanks, btw im writing either ashort novel or a series


"Though a million endings, you will only ever have one journey"

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Caboose
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 11:19 pm
A short novel or a series, i never know which one to pick
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Skembri
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Re: Somethink new

on Sat Aug 14, 2010 11:47 pm
haha well im going with novel heres what i have so fr, i completed chapter one well kinda its more basics atm


"Though a million endings, you will only ever have one journey"

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Re: Somethink new

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